Definition of a shadow...the dark figure cast upon a surface by a body intercepting the rays from a source of light, partial darkness or obscurity, an inseparable companion or follower, pervasive and dominant influence, source of gloom or unhappiness
I haven't been away from social media just because. I've been away because I've been living in a shadow. I've had an inseparable companion that has brought unbelievable gloom and unhappiness.
The last 2 months I've been struggling with my health in the form of life altering migraines. I've had migraines for decades. Fortunately, within the last year and a half, they had been completely under control, and I had been living migraine free. It took a long time to get there. A very long time. But with medical help I had gotten there.
For reasons beyond my control, the hospital pharmacy messed up my medication and I went with the wrong medication and then without medication for almost 2 weeks. The damage was done and the migraines came back. Now two months later, I am still fighting to get out of the shadow of these migraines.
In the beginning I couldn't leave my room. My husband made it into a cave. I slept for days at a time just so I didn't have to feel the pain. Eventually, I was able to start coming downstairs after dark to be with my family for an hour or two before the kids went to sleep. Finally, I started coming downstairs during the day but I had to wear sunglasses in the house all day long. At least I was with my family again and teaching school!!
Last week, I had 4 days that I was downstairs with my family, without sunglasses, and felt pretty good. The two days following that were not so good.
The migraines are not gone. At times I wonder if they ever will be. I wonder if I will feel as good as I did "pre-medication" mess up. At times my shadow overtakes me. The shadow becomes the dominant influence and it overwhelms me. In those moments, it's easy to feel nothing but despair.
It's like I have literally been clawing my way out of this shadow. If it wasn't for my relationship with Jesus the shadow would have swallowed me up already. The depression would have been too much and I would not be finding a way out. In the darkest moments I have a choice to let my thoughts wander to the what ifs or I have the choice to pray and seek God. One leads to darkness the other leads to hope.
Hope is what gets me closer to the edge of the shadow. I'm not out of the shadow yet but at least I'm not living in a cave anymore. At least I don't feel like the shadow is inseparable anymore. I am not filled with gloom all day anymore.
Not every day is a good day and there are many more days to come. But I am hopeful that there are more migraine free days ahead. I'm hopeful that God is bringing good out of all of this. I'm hopeful that this is just a season and that eventually it will pass. I'm hopeful that my medical team is doing everything they can to help me get my health to the best it can be. I'm hopeful that the prayers of many are being heard for my healing. I am hopeful.
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