I have been in a real place of rawness since we arrived in Panama City. So many feelings and thoughts and things coming to light.
I am a processor and I know God is respectful of that. He gives me time and is patient with me. He also doesn't allow me to linger longer than I need to.
THIS ENTRY IS FROM FEBRUARY 2021. As I explained in my last post, I have been writing but not publishing. I feel the need to publish now and catch back up to present day. God has shown me that my writing keeps me grounded and even when feelings are raw I need to put them out there.
February 2021
I didn't realize how much I would grieve our full time RV lifestyle. I completely trust God and I do not doubt that He knows what is best. So when He tells us we need to settle there won't be any hesitation. However, that doesn't mean that I don't go kicking and screaming at times.
It's been around 45 days since we landed in our new city. I think it took all of December and all of January to grieve the idea of our traveling lifestyle. It has taken a lot of prayer and talking to God. It has taken a lot of trust and in all honesty it has taken watching God open all the doors that He has to see the plans that lie ahead.
Another reason I am now ready to be done with our RV life is being stationary is HARD! Traveling was one thing but oh my gosh being stationary is about to drive me crazy, haha!! Traveling and moving made the whole experience exciting and I didn't find faults in tiny living. But boy oh boy does it get a little stir crazy when you are in the same park, week after week after week! Maybe that's why God wanted me to experience this too.
He knew I needed this to help let go of the past so there would be no resentment or bitterness. D has enough of that for the whole family. But instead of making me angry, it makes me sad. As parents, we can see the whole picture but he just sees right in front of him. Just like God sees our whole picture right?
It is hard to determine if Ds anger is all from this trauma of moving and changing lifestyles so quickly so many times or if it is from teenage years quickly approaching or maybe even a combination of both. But I can tell you from a mamas heart seeing your child in such turmoil is really heartbreaking.
He doesn't really understand how to label what he is feeling or know how to express it in a healthy way. His feelings are just as raw as mine but he doesn't have the capacity to process them. I wish I could fix it. I wish I could take it all away. But this time I can't, this time it is going to take a team of experts to show us the way.
Speaking of that, I am happy to say that we are moving in the right direction and D has a medical team around him that I think cares. And I know he has a family that would do anything to support him. And I know without a doubt he has a God that would move mountains for him.
Now I just need to figure out how to help Daniel know all this.
Praying for you all. Please keep praying for my family. Xx
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